Wow…You soon will become a reality, and I, for once in my life, have no words to say. Can you believe it, I have no words?
Well it’s true, I cannot put into words how it will feel to be an actual father, and your mother constantly asks me:
“How do you feel, are you excited”
Avoiding my emotions, I usually mumble something like, “I’m cool,” and quickly change the subject.
I’ve had some time to think about her question over the last few weeks. My answer is I’m thrilled, antsy, and excited all rolled into one.
This is a different realm for me, I typically cannot get excited for something unless it’s present, but you’re different. Maybe because I like challenges, and you’re my ultimate challenge. Maybe it’s that I’ve finally became a man and can accept the task of being a father.
Let me repeat that…
I’ve finally become a man and can accept the task of being a father.
I can definitely say a lot of men won’t admit to that. I wasn’t man enough for you years ago, so we waited. By man enough, I mean, I wasn’t emotionally or financially ready.
Our friends would ask us all the time, “when are you having kids?” We’d tell them, “Someday,” but deep down inside I knew I had a lot of growing to do mentally, before I could commit to growing and nurturing another.
How could I help you grow if I wasn’t done growing myself?
The capability to have children does not equal the capability to raise children or to be a good parent.
You won’t know this, and you probably won’t ask, but I grew up without a father. I’ve had father figures in my life via my uncles, but I never had a father to teach me anything.
I think part of my reluctance in previous years to have you was due to the absence of my father. Being an only child, without a father, living in the “hood” can have quite an effect on you.
You will never know this, and I thank your mother for helping me grow out of that phase in my life, but I was cold, rigid, and uncompromising. I had about as much empathy and compassion as a rock.
I only focused on the end result regardless of how many bodies I left along the way. I’m not even sure how I kept the little friends that I have now.
All of this is a horrible mix for a father. I was a man in age and a boy in mind.
How could I become a father without having a father?
I wasn’t ready for you…
But over the years, I’ve grown emotionally. I believe it was the challenge of marriage and having such a patient partner that finally allowed me to turn a corner in my life. I’ve grown in patience, understanding, negotiation and so many other things.
I’ve finally put others before myself. I’ve become a team player instead of an All-Star with a chip on his shoulder. I trust people, and if they get it wrong, I trust them to get it right.
I went from being a dependent, to independent, to interdependent, to being ready to be a father
I’m ready for you.
I’m ready to listen to you when you had a bad day.
I’m ready to help you with your homework.
I’m ready to teach you how to ride a bike.
I’m ready to teach you how to think before you act.
I’m ready to teach you through my actions the meaning of hard work and respect.
I’m ready to show you how to avoid my mistakes.
I’m ready to be a father.